Joyful living

I wonder if I didn't have to work in an office, 9-5, at a desk, pushing paper, would be as tired as I am now? If I was a was a stay-at-home mom, a housewife, a homemaker, would I be so exhausted? Would I be missing out on this so-so-cute-and-fun time in Evelyn's young life because I just want to sit on the couch? Something tells me yes. If I stayed at home instead of going to an office I would be working just as hard (no, I'd be working harder), and although I would be with Evelyn more hours of the day I have to believe I'd be just as tired. Probably overwhelmed and brain-smooshed, too.

Evelyn is such a delight right now. She smiles as big as her mouth will go everytime you walk into a room. She is easily entertained, happy just to stand with her face against the screen door, talking to the outside world. She pulls the DVDs off the bookshelf with such excitement that it's hard to believe anything else could be as great. She eats well and sleeps (mostly) well. She talks A LOT. She laughs EVEN MORE. And I feel like I am missing it because I am tired.



I don't think I'm living joyfully. I'm happy, I'm present, but I'm not joyful. That is a adjective hard to find in the day-to-day life. Living joyfully, especially while tired, is not a skill I have learned. Counting every little blessing--because I have so very very many--is not something I have been doing much of lately.

Look at that face! What isn't joyful about that face? Nothing. So I think I'm going to try to re-set my "normal." This level of tiredness and lethargy I feel right now? This is normal. The status quo. It's not going to get any less. I mean, seriously, I have a baby here. (And really, if I'm honest with myself, did I have that much energy before Evelyn was born? No. I'm kind of lazy and always have been.) But if I just accept that, accept that I am not going to be bursting with energy when I come home from the office, that my desire to lay on the couch is not going to go away no matter how much I do it, maybe I can get over that and live in the moment I have. Sit with my daughter in the front yard, watch her explore the world, and bask in the joy that that moment can bring.